Peace by Piece

“Mom, if you could revisit any time in your life, what would you revisit?” Miles, my 10yr old son asks as I am getting ready for the day.

“Well bud, I’ve never thought about it, I don’t know if I would”

“You would come back, you wouldn’t be stuck”, he says.

I think about it. Within seconds a flashback of one time I wish I could revisit.

“Oof, ok, I got one, and I’m going to be honest, it sounds a bit sad, but it’s where I would want to be… is that ok?”

He nods and I share, as I’m putting on makeup in the mirror:

“I would go back to the night before Grandpa had his stroke. He had come over for his Sunday visit, and we were all still living in the basement (we had been remodeling our house at the time). It was the night before going back to school after Winter break, I was stressed about getting Lesson Plans done, and you (Miles was 3) and Cal (5)were eating popcorn on the couch watching football. Grandpa came down the stairs, and tried to sit and chat for a few minutes. I tried asking him how his week was, while looking at my lessons, vaguely paying attention. I paused and asked how he was feeling, because he had been off and on not feeling well lately. He wouldn’t answer, so I rolled my eyes and focused on the screen. He got up to leave, and instead of getting up and giving him a hug like I normally do, I said “Ok, well we will see you later, love ya”. He came up behind me and squeezed my shoulder. I didn’t move. I would go back to that day and hug him. Pay more attention”.

Out of nowhere as I looked in the mirror, tears starting streaming down my face. I tried to ignore them (family trait), but Calvin and Miles saw them and came to hug me.

I shared with them that grief is hard sometimes. Not because it’s bad, but because it can be sneaky. It’s been 6 years and in the moment of reflection, it felt like yesterday. I shared how much I wish I would have focused on grandpa, and given him one last hug. But the tears falling were not bad, and I was really glad he asked, because I had never thought of that before today. 

I’m continually searching for peace, in so many ways, including the events of my dad’s passing.  My boys are part of my healing process. The unpaid therapists along for the ride. They are so wise in their years and I hope they’ll continue to ask questions, to challenge me to grow and to learn aspects of life that I did not at their age. 

To know grief is ok.

To share even when it’s hard.

To cry and feel what you need to feel.

To let others know when they have impacted you.

It’s been 6 years since he died. I know he knew I loved him, and I told him everyday I sat by his bedside for those 33+days in the hospital. I also have been grateful to have dreams where we have hugged, he has told me he is good. And I believe while I missed it on this side of heaven, I will still get that hug in when we see each other again.

Until then old man, ♥️